CONTACT:
Jackie Nelson
Lutheran Social Service
651/969-2286
Jackie.Nelson@lssmn.org
Dr. Michael Robertson
LSS Children and Family Services
320/251-7700
mroberts@lssmn.org
Help
your child navigate the
teen years
(September 16, 2004) -
With school back in session, teens are bombarded with a wide range
of daily pressures: peer pressure, fitting in, personal appearance,
bullies, body changes, sexual pressures, and exposure to alcohol and drugs
- not to mention homework assignments and academic performance.
How can parents help their
teenager navigate well through the upcoming school year and beyond?
Dr. Michael Robertson,
clinical director with Lutheran Social Service of Minnesota, says that as
teens grow toward adulthood, parents need to strike a tricky balance. "At
times, teens need and want our guidance but they also need some room to
make their own decisions to develop good decision-making skills,
responsibility and a healthy sense of independence."
He adds that parenting can
take on roles that can vary. "As parents, we can play a variety of roles,
from friend and coach to referee and drill sergeant," Robertson explains.
"It is my belief that good parenting often resembles a nurturing coach and
referee role, and only infrequently the friend and drill sergeant roles."
Robertson suggests the
following cornerstones for parents as they help their children address
challenges during the teen years:
Foster Communication
- Spending time understanding our children and communicating
with them is crucial. Evidence suggests that children from families who
eat meals together, and families who participate in activities together,
are more resilient. Such activities foster increased communication and
interaction, which in turn, facilitate nurturing, support and
understanding. Take the time on daily basis to review your child's day.
Show interest in their activities and school work.
Nurture Your Relationship
- A strong connection and relationship with your child is the
most important factor in parenting at all ages. One of the strongest
factors related to children being successful is the quality of their
relationships. Even children coming from some of the worst situations seem
to have resilience if they have strong, meaningful relationships. Talk
about, and nurture, your relationship with your child.
Set Structure
- Children thrive with routine. A solid yet flexible structure
includes a schedule and set of expectations that remain stable. A daily
routine allows children a reference point. From this point of reference,
they can learn to predict and expect that the day will go a certain way.
And, when it does not go the same way, they will be better able to
identify the differences and better learn to cope.
Establish Discipline
- When rules and consequences are very clear, your parenting
framework is set up for success. Discipline reflects an expectation to
perform and develop skills. It also suggests that there will be rewards
and consequences. Parents should set reasonable expectations and establish
incentives and consequences to achieve those expectations.
Be Consistent
- Like structure, consistent reactions are important. Problems
often occur when parents and their child get into power struggles over
rules and expectations. Parents give in and children learn that the rules
and expectations are no longer established, but negotiable. Develop
reasonable rules and expectations, and be consistent in enforcing them.
Live Your Values
- The things that we say are often inspirational, whereas, our
true values are often measured by our actions. Our children, from a very
early age, have likely discovered what we value as parents simply by
watching how we live our lives and make decisions. When children enter
their teens, they connect with peers who share many different values. It
is a time for them to compare and contrast the values they've learned.
Even when teens question or reject some values that we hold as parents,
they need to be supported in the important process of scrutinizing values.
Talk about beliefs and values with your teen, and expect the discussion to
become challenging.
Be Supportive - Children and teenagers need
to be emotionally supported. Support comes in many forms and can include
listening, understanding, letting them struggle with their predicaments
but also "being there." As teenagers become more independent, parents
often struggle with giving them too much independence or too little. The
important part is being present to provide support, and communicating to
gain an understanding of the support they need.
Nurture Peer relationships
- Teen years are the formative years in which kids begin to
develop friendships with their peers as they form their own identities.
Often these friendships become life-long and easily re-ignited because
they shared these formative experiences. Peer relationships become
increasingly important and should be encouraged and supported. However,
the influence of peers can also be negative and can be mediated by good
parenting.
Interested in more
information? Robertson recommends the following websites:
www.parentsoup.com,
www.greatparentingtips.com, and
www.childdevelopmentinfo.com
With over 44 counseling
offices statewide, Lutheran Social Service of Minnesota offers child,
individual, couple and family counseling by licensed mental health
counselors. For more information, please contact Lutheran Social Service
at 1.888.881.8261.
Lutheran Social Service of
Minnesota (LSS) offers a wide variety of human support services relating
to the basics of life-food, shelter, safety, physical and emotional
well-being. The non-profit organization, headquartered in St. Paul, serves
over 100,000 Minnesotans yearly with operations in 300 Minnesota
communities, and employs over 2,300 people. LSS serves all people
regardless of race, color, creed, religion, national origin, sex, sexual
orientation, disability or age. Comprehensive information about statewide
services can be found through the agency's web site at
www.lssmn.org
