Domestic Adoption - Designated/Identified Adoption Program

Designated Adoption Stories

Six years ago my wife, Kari and I decided to start our family. For us we decided to choose open adoption as the way we were going to build our family. The process is quite simple, yet exhausting. We put together a profile of our life and entered it into a book that birth mothers, and sometimes birth fathers, look at and try to decide who they will choose to parent their child. From there a relationship is formed, it is a relationship that develops with time. There are no two scenarios that are exactly the same. Both the adoptive parents and the birth parents work together and come to an agreement on what that relationship will be.

In our situation there are two women who are now a part of our family, they are birth mothers who are like any one of us, they were faced with a tough decision and had to make a choice on what was best with the hand they were playing. I can speak from experience when I say that both of these women are truly special in that they have chosen to give life and as a result experience pain for the betterment of their/our child.

We see our birth parents from time to time and get together as a family. The best way to draw you a mental picture is to say that the time we spend together is no different from the time you spend with any other members of your family.

There are many misconceptions in the minds of people when they hear the word adoption. Most people are interested in the process but are not quite sure how to ask certain questions and that is quite natural. I too was as guilty as anyone in the beginning for being uneducated on the way things work. I have had the benefit of going to many trainings and seminars so I look at things a little different today. I don’t think adopting parents expect others to feel the way we feel, or do we expect anyone to have the passion about adopting that we have.

But before you ask the most common question adoptive parents get, and we got this a lot, which is aren’t you worried she’ll change her mind? The answer is yes, that does pass through your mind. We, just like any other expectant parent, tried not to dwell on the potential risks instead focusing on the positive aspects of our child’s birth.

Along the way I have been asked many different questions, a favorite of mine is “don’t you want to experience the bond between father and child?” I can tell you that everyday that goes by I am more convinced that a bond between father and son or father and daughter is not just made by birth…it is fostered in time by the relationship a parent has with his or her child. It comes by being there day in and day out or sitting next to the bed when he or she is up all night with the flu. Bond is trust, love and respect all rolled into one.

For us this is our life, we see it as any family sees their own life, and it is normal to us. We are blessed to have two wonderful little kids that do what every other little kid does, i.e.; see previous columns.

When you look at the way families are today, it is tough to find a family who has not been touched in some way by adoption. In the not so distant past, adoption was something people didn’t talk about. Most were closed adoptions and families had no idea who was who. I have yet to meet an adopted child that at some point doesn’t have some want to know about their birth family. That is why Kari and I believe in openness. We can’t help but believe that the more people who love our child the better off he or she will be. God help me but I guess in some respects I agree with Hillary…it takes a village. I just want that village to be well informed.

Before I get off my soap box I wish to leave you with one more thought. It is my belief that birth mothers do not give up their children…they chose us to help parent them.

By Ross, Kari, Brooks and Ashley