Domestic Adoption - Designated/Identified Adoption Program

Designated Adoption Stories

That is what open adoption can be like...

My husband and I adopted newborn twin boys 4 years ago through a designated adoption. We have had a very open adoption from the beginning. I believe this to be a wonderful thing for everyone involved! It does take work on both sides, biological and adoptive and both must lay insecurities aside. It takes a strong mother to make the decision to adopt out her child when there are “easier” choices available, so to all the mothers who make this choice, you have my utmost respect. I feel that our boys are 2 of the most fortunate children around because an open adoption allows them to know all the people who love them.

There have been obstacles to overcome. One was that the birth mom’s father was very against her decision to place her twin boy’s in an adoptive home. During the boys’ NICU stay following their birth, grandpa came to visit them. At one point we all ended up in the tiny scrub room together (my husband and I were leaving and grandpa and his wife were arriving to see the babies). I went to introduce myself to him and he turned away, obviously wanting nothing to do with us. Later the birth mom apologized to us for his behavior, she felt terrible about how he acted. I told her not to worry about it. I realized this must be hard for him. I let her know that if he ever changed his mind and wanted to meet us or have contact with the boys, it was fine; I understood that right now emotions were running high. During our second trip to visit the biological family when the boy’s were almost 2 (we travel once a year to visit the biological family for a couple weeks) he had changed his mind and told birth mom that he would like to meet us and see his grandson’s. We had a wonderful visit and he apologized profusely! We assured him it was water under the bridge…now he welcomes us as part of his family. Now when we visit we always get together a couple times and he let’s us know how thankful he is to be able to get to know the boys and watch them grow!

Another issue that arose was that of what of “titles”. During our visit with the biological family when the boys were 3 1/2, their biological grandma (who we stay with when we visit) mentioned about how birth mom was feeling about everybody’s titles. For the most part everyone still had their same “titles” to the boys…Biological grandma and her husband were “grandma and grandpa”, Biological grandpa and his wife were still “grandpa and grandma”, aunts and uncles were still “aunts and uncles”, and that’s how the boy’s referred to them, but they referred to their birth-mom by her first name. One evening when we were visiting with the birth mom, the boys came over to us and I asked them if they grew in my belly. They said no. I asked them, “Whose belly did you grow in?” They turned to their birth mom and enthusiastically exclaimed her name! Her jaw just about dropped through the floor! She took my hand and with tears in her eyes said “Thank you”. I think it was then that she realized that even though the boys called her by her name, they would grow up knowing her and her role in their lives.

Our most recent visit with the biological family came in the wake of hurricane Rita. Some of our boy’s biological family was evacuated. (Birth-mom, her 6 and 8 year old daughters, her fiancé, their 10 month old son, biological grandma and (step)grandpa and biological uncle) We extended the invitation for them to come and stay with us in our home. We got several different reactions from people we know in the community! One of the most common was “Isn’t that going to be weird?” My reply was “why would it be?” Because of the relationship we have built, there are very few insecurities, though the opportunity to feel insecure presented itself while they were here. Apparently, the boy’s 6 year old biological sister was telling them that their birth mom was their “real” mom. Anyway, a comment by one of my sons got back to me that they have a “real” mom and a “fake” mom. (Me being the fake mom) I must admit, my initial reaction was that my heart fell into my shoes! Their birth mom felt terrible and said she would talk to her daughter about it. After a bit I realized that my boys are 4, and with a 4 year old there is no grey area, if one thing is real then the opposite must be fake, it was nothing personal. Later they needed a good night kiss and called for mom, the next day a bumped knee needed some love from mom, and mom was called on to “wipe me!”. It was then that I realized that I had nothing to be insecure about…the boys knew who their birth-mom was and could call her their real mom if they wanted, but they know who their mom is! Their stay turned out to be a great experience for us to really get to know each other. They were with us for 2 ½ weeks and there were tears when they left for home. A comment came to mind that our boys’ biological grandma made to me when we left their house the very first time after adopting the boys…she said, “I prayed for a good family for my boys (grandsons) and Jehovah (God) gave me a family, too.” We feel the same way. When the local newspaper did an article on our unique circumstances (that we were hosting hurricane evacuees who were our son’s biological relatives!) I told them, “We adopted the boys, and their family adopted us. So whenever we visit…they’re like family to us, that’s how we feel.”

By Kelly, Crissy, Dylan and Cody